Positive attitude helps to cope more easily with the daily affairs of life. It brings optimism into our life, and makes it easier to avoid worry and negative thinking. If we adopt it as a way of life, it will bring constructive changes into your life, and makes them happier, brighter and more successful. With a positive attitude one sees the bright side of life, become optimstic and expect the best to happen. It is certainly a state of mind that is well worth developing and strengthening.
Positive attitude manifests in the following ways:
- Positive thinking.
- Constructive thinking.
- Creative thinking.
- Expecting success.
- Optimism.
- Motivation to accomplish your goals.
- Being inspired.
- Choosing happiness.
- Not giving up.
- Looking at failure and problems as blessings in disguise.
- Believing in yourself and in your abilities.
- Displaying self-esteem and confidence.
- Looking for solutions.
- Seeing opportunities.
A positive attitude leads to happiness and success and can change our whole life. If we look at the brighter side of life, our whole life becomes filled with light. This light affects not only us and the way we look at the world, but also our whole environment and the people around us. If it is strong enough, it becomes contagious.
THE BENEFITS OF A POSITIVE ATTITUDE:
- Helps achieving goals and attaining success.
- Success achieved faster and more easily.
- More happiness.
- More energy.
- Greater inner power and strength.
- The ability to inspire and motivate yourself and others.
- Fewer difficulties encountered along the way.
- The ability to surmount any difficulty.
- Life smiles at you.
- People respect you.
Negative attitude says: you cannot achieve success.
Positive attitude says: You can achieve success.
DEVELOPING A POSITIVE ATTITUDE THAT WILL LEAD YOU TO HAPPINESS AND SUCCESS:
- Choose to be happy.
- Look at the bright side of life.
- Choose to be and stay optimistic.
- Find reasons to smile more often.
- Have faith in yourself and in the Power of the Universe.
- Contemplate upon the futility of negative thinking and worries.
- Associate yourself with happy people.
- Read inspiring stories.
- Read inspiring quotes.
- Repeat affirmations that inspire and motivate you.
- Visualize only what you want to happen.
- Learn to master your thoughts.
- Learn concentration and meditation.
POSITIVE THINKING TIPS FOR A POSITIVE ATTITUDE
- First, focus on what you're thinking about. Remember what I said about being stuck because we never addressed the source? Our negative actions and words are coming from our negative thoughts. Our body, including the mouth, has no choice but to follow wherever our mind goes.
It is possible to control our thoughts, regardless of what we've been led to believe. As soon as a negative thought comes into your mind, purposefully make it a point to replace it with a positive one. (2 Corinthians 10:5) At first, this may take some work, because chances are, we will probably have a lot more negative thoughts in our head than positive ones. But eventually, the ratio will reverse itself.
- Second, stop letting other people's negative attitudes influence yours. This may mean we need to stop hanging around with people who do nothing but spout negative stuff. We can't afford to do this when our goal is to become more positive. The negative people in our life aren't going to like it when we stop participating in negativity. Just remember that birds of a feather really do flock together.
- Third, make a list of all the areas in your life that you want to change. List all your negative attitudes too. If you can't think of things to put on your list, just ask your family.
- Fourth, take some time to write strong, life-giving, positive affirmation statements. Make a commitment to read those statements out loud every day. Enjoy how great they make you feel. Know in your heart that you're making progress, even if you can't see it just yet. Just keep affirming the positive.
- Lastly, take time to pray about this. You can't change by yourself. But you can spend time with the One who is able to help. Do what you can, and let God do the rest.
This process will change how we think and that's the real key to changing how we act. Remember, the body will follow wherever the mind goes. There is no way to separate the two; so we might as well "program in" what we want, instead of randomly leaving it to chance.
Just know that God's version of a right attitude contains nothing negative. And if we want God's best for our life, it starts with right thoughts — his thoughts to be exact.
KEY EXAMPLES OF POSITIVE AFFIRMATION (SELF-TALK):
- I will think of myself as Successful!
- I will have positive expectations for everything I do!
- I will remind myself of past successes!
- I will not dwell on failures, I just will not repeat them!
- I will surround myself with positive people and ideas!
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
“The capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships.”
The term encompasses the following five characteristics and abilities:
- Self-awareness--knowing your emotions, recognizing feelings as they occur, and discriminating between them. It is fundamental to emotional intelligence. People who know their feelings are better pilots of their lives.
- Mood management--handling feelings so they're relevant to the current situation and you react appropriately. People who are effective in managing their emotions can cope better with life's adversities and can bounce back faster than those who are poor in managing their feelings.
- Self-motivation--"gathering up" your feelings and directing yourself towards a goal, despite self-doubt, inertia, and impulsiveness. People without emotional intelligence lack self-restraint and would just do whatever their impulses suggest. In Goleman’s words, they "suffer a moral deficiency". Emotional self-control, delaying gratification and stifling impulsiveness underlies accomplishment of every sort.
- Empathy--recognizing feelings in others and tuning into their verbal and nonverbal cues. Emotional self-awareness is the first step to empathic sensitivity. In other words, if we are in touch with our own feelings, then we can empathise with others and sense their needs.
- Managing relationships--handling interpersonal interaction, conflict resolution, and negotiations. The art of relating to others includes the skill in managing emotions in others. For example, the ability to calm distressing emotions in others can help resolve many conflicts.
WHY DO WE NEED EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?
Research in brain-based learning suggests that emotional health is fundamental to effective learning. According to a report from the National Center for Clinical Infant Programs, the most critical element for a student's success in school is an understanding of how to learn. The key ingredients for this understanding are:
- Confidence
- Curiosity
- Intentions
- Self-control
- Relatedness
- Capacity to communicate
- Ability to cooperate
These traits are all aspects of Emotional Intelligence. Basically, a student who learns to learn is much more apt to succeed. Emotional Intelligence has proven a better predictor of future success than traditional methods like the GPA, IQ, and standardized test scores.
Hence, the great interest in Emotional Intelligence on the part of corporations, universities, and schools nationwide. The idea of Emotional Intelligence has inspired research and curriculum development throughout these facilities. Researchers have concluded that people who manage their own feelings well and deal effectively with others are more likely to live content lives. Plus, happy people are more apt to retain information and do so more effectively than dissatisfied people.
Building one's Emotional Intelligence has a lifelong impact. Many parents and educators, alarmed by increasing levels of conflict in young schoolchildren--from low self-esteem to early drug and alcohol use to depression, are rushing to teach students the skills necessary for Emotional Intelligence. And in corporations, the inclusion of Emotional Intelligence in training programs has helped employees cooperate better and motivate more, thereby increasing productivity and profits.
HIGH EQ PEOPLE:
1. Label their feelings, rather than labeling people or situations.
"I feel impatient." vs "This is ridiculous."
"I feel hurt and bitter" vs "You are an insensitive jerk."
"I feel afraid." vs. "You are driving like a idiot."
2. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings.
Thoughts: I feel like...& I feel as if.... & I feel that
3. Take responsibility for their feelings.
"I feel jealous." vs. "You are making me jealous."
4. Use their feelings to help them make decisions.
"How will I feel if I do this?" "How will I feel if I don't"
5. Show respect for other people's feelings.
They ask "How will you feel if I do this?" "How will you feel if I don't."
6. Feel energized, not angry.
They use what others call "anger" to help them feel energized to take productive action.
7. Validate other people's feelings.
They show empathy, understanding, and acceptance of other people's feelings.
8. Practice getting a positive value from their negative emotions.
They ask themselves: "How do I feel?" and "What would help me feel better?"
They ask others "How do you feel?" and "What would help you feel better?"
9. Don't advise, command, control, criticize, judge or lecture to others.
They realize it doesn't feel good to be on the receiving end of such behavior, so they avoid it.
10. Avoid people who invalidate them, or don't respect their feelings.
As much as possible, they choose to associate only with other people with high EQ.
CULTIVATING YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
- Be in touch with your own feelings. Find time to be alone, know yourself and write down your thoughts.
- Do not deny your feelings. Recognize that feelings are not sins. Where needed, share your feelings with others. However, sharing with others does not mean total honesty in sharing all your thoughts and feelings on any subject or person.
· Know the maturity of your potential confidant ... can he or she handle what you will be sharing?
· Exercise caution in revealing feelings or facts that may hurt others.
- Do not allow your feelings to dictate your behaviour. Set your own criteria on what you should and should not do (based on biblical principles and values). It is important to establish principles beforehand as to what to do when caught in such situations because emotions may dominate your being and rational thoughts go out the window!
-Live by faith in God and His word.
Friday, February 6, 2009
SELF-AWARENESS
“Self is the powerhouse which facilitates the overall development of an individual.”
SELF-AWARENESS
It means knowing what we are feeling in the moment, and using those preferences to guide our decision-making; having a realistic assessment of our own abilities and a well-grounded sense of self-confidence. It includes-
Ø Emotional Awareness: Recognizing one’s emotions and how they affect our performance, and use our values to guide decision-making.
Ø Accurate Self-Assessment: A candid sense of our personal strengths and limits, a clear vision of where we need to improve, and the ability to learn from experience.
Ø Self-Confidence: A strong sense of one’s self-worth and capabilities.
Self-awareness serves as an inner barometer, gauging what we are doing, is, indeed, worthwhile. Feelings give the essential understanding. If there is a discrepancy between action and value, the result will be uneasiness in the form of guilt or shame, deep doubts or nagging second thoughts, queasiness, and the like.
The more you understand self-awareness the more you recognize it’s critical role in governing your capacity to be a lifelong learner, and open to change and capable of great performance. Great performance is not the preserve of the exceptional but is within the grasp of every normal human being. The need for self awareness and its by products, openness and great performance at this time in human history is huge and urgent.
Our world, our business organizations and the people within them, despite the entire technological prowess available seem to be confronting problems they cannot solve. It’s like Einstein said you cannot solve problems created by one set of self awareness with the self awareness that created the conditions in the first place.
Most of our concerns – from personal issues, to social, business, economic, and environmental issues – stem from human actions and decisions. These arise from human thinking, human feelings and human values which in turn are influenced by our beliefs that happiness comes from what we have and do, and by our need to shore up an ever-vulnerable sense of self. This in a sense is one way of talking about self-awareness, and the problems inherent in self-awareness. Psychological issues associated with these issues lie at the heart of our problems. The growing crises we observe around us are symptoms of a deeper inner crisis – a crisis of self-awareness in our day-to-day actions that we call self-awareness in action.
The crisis has been a long time coming. It started thousands of years ago when human evolution made the leap to self-awareness, when consciousness became aware of itself, this is what self awareness is. Gradually our self-awareness evolved until today it has reached the point at which we have a clear sense of being a unique self, distinct from others and the environment. However, this sense of self is the source of all the dilemmas we all face, and on a larger scale the dilemmas the world faces. Many of the crises of this age are crises of self-awareness.
According to a saying, “If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.” The less aware we are of what we want in life, the more lost and the lesser satisfied we would be. Any disharmony between what we have and what we actually want will act as an emotional drag, stirring feelings that may sabotage our efforts, and even result in ill health.
Self-Awareness offers a sure rudder for keeping our decisions, both personal and professional, in harmony with our deepest values.
These are some of the many areas it covers:
Ø Your wishes and desires - what do you want in your life
Ø Do you know your strengths?
Ø Do you know your weaknesses?
Ø What motivates you and makes you happy?
Ø What do you want to change about yourself or about your life?
Ø Considering your achievements so far
Ø How do you relate to others and is this socially acceptable or beneficial to you?
Ø The things stopping you from achieving your wishes
Ø How do you need to improve as a person?
Ø Thinking about your most important beliefs and values
Ø Think about the value you see yourself as having as a person?
There are many other factors that perhaps could be added. The last one above has a direct relation to your sense of self-value and self-esteem.
Why is self-awareness important?
If you want to change your life in any way you need to know yourself before you can act. Let's say you are unhappy or indecisive, you need to know what you need to do to head in the right direction and you can't do that until you know the right direction to move in.!
In addition, being self-aware will mean that you will be better able to choose a suitable career which will satisfy you. Nowadays, there are certain skills that distinguish star performers in every field, from entry-level jobs to top executive positions. The single most important factor is not the IQ, advanced degrees, or technical expertise, but the qualities like self-awareness, self-confidence, and self-control; commitment and integrity; the ability to communicate and influence, to initiate and accept the change etc. These qualities are at a premium in today’s job market. The higher up the leadership ladder you go, the more vital these skills become, often influencing who is hired or fires, passed over or promoted.
In a survey of what employers look for in entry-level workers, specific technical skills are less important than the underlying ability to learn on the job. Listening and oral communication, adaptability, personal management, confidence, motivation to work towards the goals, interpersonal effectiveness, cooperativeness, leadership potential etc. are some of the other skills that are looked for by the employers.
We all possess the potential to improve our skills. In Steve Wonder’s words, “We all have ability. The difference is how we use it.”
Self-awareness can enrich your life because you can then move closer to living your values and realizing your dreams. Also, when you have identified the things that make you happy or motivate you can bring more of those things into your life and make priorities based on that which is important to you.
Becoming self-aware does not mean being selfish though. Discovering the inner you will enable you to seek the opportunities to give more of yourself to others and this will have mutual benefits in your relationships as well as helping to build your self esteem and confidence as you become more true to yourself in every aspect of your life.
EMOTIONAL AWARENESS
People with this competence-
Ø Know what emotions they are feeling and why.
Ø Realize the links between their feelings and what they think, do, and say.
Ø Recognize how their feelings affect their performance.
Ø Have a guiding awareness of their values and goals.
The awareness-of how our emotions affect what we are doing-is fundamental emotional competence. Lacking this ability, we are vulnerable all the time. Such awareness is our guide in managing our unruly feelings, relationships with people, fine-tuning our on-the-job performance, keeping ourselves motivated, tuning in with accuracy to the feelings of those around us, and developing social skills, including those essential for leadership and teamwork.
Some ways of developing emotional awareness are-
Ø Being attentive to our feelings: Feelings are always with us, but we are too seldom with them. We typically become aware of our emotions only when they build up and boil over. But if we are attentive, we can experience them at subtler levels long before they emerge so strongly.
Ø Retrospect: The rhythm and pace of modern life give us too little time to assimilate, reflect, and react. We need time to be introspective, so that we are able to follow our inner voice that acts as a tool for building conviction in the choices we make, and thus help us navigate through life.
Ø Reserve time for solitary reflection: It means putting aside for the time-being all other goal-oriented activities and doing something that opens our minds to a deeper, quieter sensibility. It can be anything, a hobby, like painting, or perhaps poetry, which will help us express our emotions, and at the same time, rejuvenate our minds.
ACCURATE SELF-ASSESSMENT
People with this competence are-
Ø Aware of their strengths and weaknesses.
Ø Reflective, learning from experience.
Ø Open to candid feedback, new perspectives, continuous learning, and self-development.
Ø Able to show a sense of humour and perspective about themselves.
Before you can lead others, before you can help others, you have to discover yourself. Being blind to our flaws, and even our abilities can put our personal and professional life at risk. Everybody has weaknesses, what makes a difference is learning from one’s mistakes and shortcomings. The people who are unsuccessful are less open to acknowledging their faults, and often rebuff people who try to point them out. This resistance and rigid attitude means that nobody could try to change them. We all have a tendency towards denial, en emotionally comforting strategy that protects us from the distress that acknowledging the harsh truth would bring. Defensiveness takes many forms: minimizing the facts, filtering out crucial information, rationalizations and good excuses- anything to rob the facts of their emotional truth. The first step in improving one’s performance is to identify the need for improvement. There can be a limit to one’s abilities, but successful people are aware of their limits-know where they need to improve, or they know to work with someone else who has the strength they lack. The second thing which can be very hepful in self-assessment is honest, constructive feedback about how we are doing, especially about or lapses. It is seen that people who intentionally seek feedback and want to know how others perceive them, go on to become successful later in life, because their self-awareness helps them in a process of continuous improvement. Once we get the feedback, it lies upon us to take the criticism positively, and not to become defensive.
SELF-CONFIDENCE
People with this competence-
Ø Present themselves with self-assurance, have “presence”.
Ø Can voice views that are unpopular and go out on a limb for what is right.
Ø Are decisive, able to make sound decisions despite uncertainties and pressures.
Without self-confidence, people lack the conviction that is essential for taking on tough challenges. Self-confidence gives us the requisite self-assurance for plunging ahead or stepping in as a leader. For those who lack self-confidence, every failure confirms a sense on incompetence. The absence of self-confidence can manifest itself in feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, and crippling self-doubt. Extreme self-confidence, on the other hand, can look like arrogance, especially if the person lacks social skills. Self-confidence should not be confused with brashness; to have a positive impact, self-confidence must be aligned with reality. For this reason lack of self-awareness is an obstacle to realistic self-confidence. Highly self-confident people can seem to exude charisma, inspiring confidence in those around them. They typically see themselves as efficacious, able to take on challenges and master new skills. They believe themselves to be the catalysts, movers and initiators, and feel that their abilities stack up favourably in comparison to others’. From such a position of inner strength, they are better able to justify their decisions or actions, staying unfazed by opposition.
It is self-confidence which gives the strength to make a tough decision or follow a course of action one believes in despite opposition, disagreement, or even explicit disapproval from those in authority. Self-confident people are decisive, without being arrogant or defensive, and they stand by their decisions. While some people seem born with a natural self-assurance, even those are shy or timid can become more bold with practice.
Closely related to self-confidence is self-efficacy, the positive judgment of one’s own capacity to perform. Self-efficacy is not the same as actual skills we have, but rather our belief about what we can do with the skills we have. Skills alone are not enough to guarantee our best performance- we have to believe in our skills in order to use them at their best. One of the common traits of people who lack self-confidence is the paralyzing fear of seeming inept. Another is too easily giving up on their own opinions and judgments, even their good ideas, when challenged. Others include chronic indecisiveness, especially under pressure, shying away from even the smallest risk, and failing to voice even valuable ideas.
GAINING SELF-CONFIDENCE
As the greatest and wisest teachers have always taught, improving the quality of your thoughts improves your life almost immediately:
Ø The Bible quotes King Solomon: 'As a man thinketh, so shall he be.'
Ø The Buddhist text, The Dhammapada, states: 'We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world.'
Ø The Greek philosopher Socrates said, 'To find yourself, think for yourself.'
How do you build confidence? One step at a time.
When you take small steps, the anxiety you inevitably feel is more manageable. That's why it's important to have a go at things which you would previously have found scary on a regular basis. Do you find it hard to talk to people? Strike up a conversation with one new person every day! Do you keep quiet even when you have something to say? Speak up! You gain encouragement and feel more confident every time you build on each small success.
Ø Do something practical to expand your self-confidence every day. Take measured risks. Each small step should be accompanied by a clear intention, an affirmation (or change of thinking) and mental rehearsal.
Ø Be prepared. Before taking each step, do your homework. Find out what you need to do, practice the skills and acquire the relevant knowledge. Ninety per cent of the outcome in any activity depends on the quality of the preparation undertaken.
Ø As you tackle each step, use the full ITIA Formula. Use an affirmation such as: I am confident, enthusiastic and fully capable of...(name the step you are about to take). Practice making sentences which start with assertive statements such as 'I can', 'I am', 'I want', '1 do', and 'I choose'.
Ø Mentally rehearse each step. Imagine it done well and 'see' it working out perfectly.
Ø When you think like a confident person you feel more confident and act more confidently, so commit yourself to taking charge of your thoughts. Write this sentence on a small card and repeat it to yourself, with conviction, several times a day: 'I am a positive thinker - I think and talk confidently at all times.'
Ø Consider: Are you a negative thinker? A killjoy? Do you find it difficult to think positively? Does your conversation often take on an air of doom and gloom? This awareness is critical to your well being now and in the future, so be totally honest with yourself.
Ø Promise yourself that from now on you will never: - Tell yourself that you are incapable.
- Put yourself down. - Say you can't.
- Say that what you want is impossible.
Ø 'Yes!' is one of the most powerful affirmations you can make. Say it often, with enthusiasm. Display it in big letters on your Wall of Confidence. Say it whenever a new opportunity comes your way. And try this and notice the difference it makes - say it with relish when you face a difficult problem or challenge.
Ø Practice TFM - Time For Me. Make time for yourself every day, for relaxing, doing as you please, having fun. This sends a powerful message to the subconscious that you deserve it and you're worth it.
SELF-AWARENESS
It means knowing what we are feeling in the moment, and using those preferences to guide our decision-making; having a realistic assessment of our own abilities and a well-grounded sense of self-confidence. It includes-
Ø Emotional Awareness: Recognizing one’s emotions and how they affect our performance, and use our values to guide decision-making.
Ø Accurate Self-Assessment: A candid sense of our personal strengths and limits, a clear vision of where we need to improve, and the ability to learn from experience.
Ø Self-Confidence: A strong sense of one’s self-worth and capabilities.
Self-awareness serves as an inner barometer, gauging what we are doing, is, indeed, worthwhile. Feelings give the essential understanding. If there is a discrepancy between action and value, the result will be uneasiness in the form of guilt or shame, deep doubts or nagging second thoughts, queasiness, and the like.
The more you understand self-awareness the more you recognize it’s critical role in governing your capacity to be a lifelong learner, and open to change and capable of great performance. Great performance is not the preserve of the exceptional but is within the grasp of every normal human being. The need for self awareness and its by products, openness and great performance at this time in human history is huge and urgent.
Our world, our business organizations and the people within them, despite the entire technological prowess available seem to be confronting problems they cannot solve. It’s like Einstein said you cannot solve problems created by one set of self awareness with the self awareness that created the conditions in the first place.
Most of our concerns – from personal issues, to social, business, economic, and environmental issues – stem from human actions and decisions. These arise from human thinking, human feelings and human values which in turn are influenced by our beliefs that happiness comes from what we have and do, and by our need to shore up an ever-vulnerable sense of self. This in a sense is one way of talking about self-awareness, and the problems inherent in self-awareness. Psychological issues associated with these issues lie at the heart of our problems. The growing crises we observe around us are symptoms of a deeper inner crisis – a crisis of self-awareness in our day-to-day actions that we call self-awareness in action.
The crisis has been a long time coming. It started thousands of years ago when human evolution made the leap to self-awareness, when consciousness became aware of itself, this is what self awareness is. Gradually our self-awareness evolved until today it has reached the point at which we have a clear sense of being a unique self, distinct from others and the environment. However, this sense of self is the source of all the dilemmas we all face, and on a larger scale the dilemmas the world faces. Many of the crises of this age are crises of self-awareness.
According to a saying, “If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.” The less aware we are of what we want in life, the more lost and the lesser satisfied we would be. Any disharmony between what we have and what we actually want will act as an emotional drag, stirring feelings that may sabotage our efforts, and even result in ill health.
Self-Awareness offers a sure rudder for keeping our decisions, both personal and professional, in harmony with our deepest values.
These are some of the many areas it covers:
Ø Your wishes and desires - what do you want in your life
Ø Do you know your strengths?
Ø Do you know your weaknesses?
Ø What motivates you and makes you happy?
Ø What do you want to change about yourself or about your life?
Ø Considering your achievements so far
Ø How do you relate to others and is this socially acceptable or beneficial to you?
Ø The things stopping you from achieving your wishes
Ø How do you need to improve as a person?
Ø Thinking about your most important beliefs and values
Ø Think about the value you see yourself as having as a person?
There are many other factors that perhaps could be added. The last one above has a direct relation to your sense of self-value and self-esteem.
Why is self-awareness important?
If you want to change your life in any way you need to know yourself before you can act. Let's say you are unhappy or indecisive, you need to know what you need to do to head in the right direction and you can't do that until you know the right direction to move in.!
In addition, being self-aware will mean that you will be better able to choose a suitable career which will satisfy you. Nowadays, there are certain skills that distinguish star performers in every field, from entry-level jobs to top executive positions. The single most important factor is not the IQ, advanced degrees, or technical expertise, but the qualities like self-awareness, self-confidence, and self-control; commitment and integrity; the ability to communicate and influence, to initiate and accept the change etc. These qualities are at a premium in today’s job market. The higher up the leadership ladder you go, the more vital these skills become, often influencing who is hired or fires, passed over or promoted.
In a survey of what employers look for in entry-level workers, specific technical skills are less important than the underlying ability to learn on the job. Listening and oral communication, adaptability, personal management, confidence, motivation to work towards the goals, interpersonal effectiveness, cooperativeness, leadership potential etc. are some of the other skills that are looked for by the employers.
We all possess the potential to improve our skills. In Steve Wonder’s words, “We all have ability. The difference is how we use it.”
Self-awareness can enrich your life because you can then move closer to living your values and realizing your dreams. Also, when you have identified the things that make you happy or motivate you can bring more of those things into your life and make priorities based on that which is important to you.
Becoming self-aware does not mean being selfish though. Discovering the inner you will enable you to seek the opportunities to give more of yourself to others and this will have mutual benefits in your relationships as well as helping to build your self esteem and confidence as you become more true to yourself in every aspect of your life.
EMOTIONAL AWARENESS
People with this competence-
Ø Know what emotions they are feeling and why.
Ø Realize the links between their feelings and what they think, do, and say.
Ø Recognize how their feelings affect their performance.
Ø Have a guiding awareness of their values and goals.
The awareness-of how our emotions affect what we are doing-is fundamental emotional competence. Lacking this ability, we are vulnerable all the time. Such awareness is our guide in managing our unruly feelings, relationships with people, fine-tuning our on-the-job performance, keeping ourselves motivated, tuning in with accuracy to the feelings of those around us, and developing social skills, including those essential for leadership and teamwork.
Some ways of developing emotional awareness are-
Ø Being attentive to our feelings: Feelings are always with us, but we are too seldom with them. We typically become aware of our emotions only when they build up and boil over. But if we are attentive, we can experience them at subtler levels long before they emerge so strongly.
Ø Retrospect: The rhythm and pace of modern life give us too little time to assimilate, reflect, and react. We need time to be introspective, so that we are able to follow our inner voice that acts as a tool for building conviction in the choices we make, and thus help us navigate through life.
Ø Reserve time for solitary reflection: It means putting aside for the time-being all other goal-oriented activities and doing something that opens our minds to a deeper, quieter sensibility. It can be anything, a hobby, like painting, or perhaps poetry, which will help us express our emotions, and at the same time, rejuvenate our minds.
ACCURATE SELF-ASSESSMENT
People with this competence are-
Ø Aware of their strengths and weaknesses.
Ø Reflective, learning from experience.
Ø Open to candid feedback, new perspectives, continuous learning, and self-development.
Ø Able to show a sense of humour and perspective about themselves.
Before you can lead others, before you can help others, you have to discover yourself. Being blind to our flaws, and even our abilities can put our personal and professional life at risk. Everybody has weaknesses, what makes a difference is learning from one’s mistakes and shortcomings. The people who are unsuccessful are less open to acknowledging their faults, and often rebuff people who try to point them out. This resistance and rigid attitude means that nobody could try to change them. We all have a tendency towards denial, en emotionally comforting strategy that protects us from the distress that acknowledging the harsh truth would bring. Defensiveness takes many forms: minimizing the facts, filtering out crucial information, rationalizations and good excuses- anything to rob the facts of their emotional truth. The first step in improving one’s performance is to identify the need for improvement. There can be a limit to one’s abilities, but successful people are aware of their limits-know where they need to improve, or they know to work with someone else who has the strength they lack. The second thing which can be very hepful in self-assessment is honest, constructive feedback about how we are doing, especially about or lapses. It is seen that people who intentionally seek feedback and want to know how others perceive them, go on to become successful later in life, because their self-awareness helps them in a process of continuous improvement. Once we get the feedback, it lies upon us to take the criticism positively, and not to become defensive.
SELF-CONFIDENCE
People with this competence-
Ø Present themselves with self-assurance, have “presence”.
Ø Can voice views that are unpopular and go out on a limb for what is right.
Ø Are decisive, able to make sound decisions despite uncertainties and pressures.
Without self-confidence, people lack the conviction that is essential for taking on tough challenges. Self-confidence gives us the requisite self-assurance for plunging ahead or stepping in as a leader. For those who lack self-confidence, every failure confirms a sense on incompetence. The absence of self-confidence can manifest itself in feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, and crippling self-doubt. Extreme self-confidence, on the other hand, can look like arrogance, especially if the person lacks social skills. Self-confidence should not be confused with brashness; to have a positive impact, self-confidence must be aligned with reality. For this reason lack of self-awareness is an obstacle to realistic self-confidence. Highly self-confident people can seem to exude charisma, inspiring confidence in those around them. They typically see themselves as efficacious, able to take on challenges and master new skills. They believe themselves to be the catalysts, movers and initiators, and feel that their abilities stack up favourably in comparison to others’. From such a position of inner strength, they are better able to justify their decisions or actions, staying unfazed by opposition.
It is self-confidence which gives the strength to make a tough decision or follow a course of action one believes in despite opposition, disagreement, or even explicit disapproval from those in authority. Self-confident people are decisive, without being arrogant or defensive, and they stand by their decisions. While some people seem born with a natural self-assurance, even those are shy or timid can become more bold with practice.
Closely related to self-confidence is self-efficacy, the positive judgment of one’s own capacity to perform. Self-efficacy is not the same as actual skills we have, but rather our belief about what we can do with the skills we have. Skills alone are not enough to guarantee our best performance- we have to believe in our skills in order to use them at their best. One of the common traits of people who lack self-confidence is the paralyzing fear of seeming inept. Another is too easily giving up on their own opinions and judgments, even their good ideas, when challenged. Others include chronic indecisiveness, especially under pressure, shying away from even the smallest risk, and failing to voice even valuable ideas.
GAINING SELF-CONFIDENCE
As the greatest and wisest teachers have always taught, improving the quality of your thoughts improves your life almost immediately:
Ø The Bible quotes King Solomon: 'As a man thinketh, so shall he be.'
Ø The Buddhist text, The Dhammapada, states: 'We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world.'
Ø The Greek philosopher Socrates said, 'To find yourself, think for yourself.'
How do you build confidence? One step at a time.
When you take small steps, the anxiety you inevitably feel is more manageable. That's why it's important to have a go at things which you would previously have found scary on a regular basis. Do you find it hard to talk to people? Strike up a conversation with one new person every day! Do you keep quiet even when you have something to say? Speak up! You gain encouragement and feel more confident every time you build on each small success.
Ø Do something practical to expand your self-confidence every day. Take measured risks. Each small step should be accompanied by a clear intention, an affirmation (or change of thinking) and mental rehearsal.
Ø Be prepared. Before taking each step, do your homework. Find out what you need to do, practice the skills and acquire the relevant knowledge. Ninety per cent of the outcome in any activity depends on the quality of the preparation undertaken.
Ø As you tackle each step, use the full ITIA Formula. Use an affirmation such as: I am confident, enthusiastic and fully capable of...(name the step you are about to take). Practice making sentences which start with assertive statements such as 'I can', 'I am', 'I want', '1 do', and 'I choose'.
Ø Mentally rehearse each step. Imagine it done well and 'see' it working out perfectly.
Ø When you think like a confident person you feel more confident and act more confidently, so commit yourself to taking charge of your thoughts. Write this sentence on a small card and repeat it to yourself, with conviction, several times a day: 'I am a positive thinker - I think and talk confidently at all times.'
Ø Consider: Are you a negative thinker? A killjoy? Do you find it difficult to think positively? Does your conversation often take on an air of doom and gloom? This awareness is critical to your well being now and in the future, so be totally honest with yourself.
Ø Promise yourself that from now on you will never: - Tell yourself that you are incapable.
- Put yourself down. - Say you can't.
- Say that what you want is impossible.
Ø 'Yes!' is one of the most powerful affirmations you can make. Say it often, with enthusiasm. Display it in big letters on your Wall of Confidence. Say it whenever a new opportunity comes your way. And try this and notice the difference it makes - say it with relish when you face a difficult problem or challenge.
Ø Practice TFM - Time For Me. Make time for yourself every day, for relaxing, doing as you please, having fun. This sends a powerful message to the subconscious that you deserve it and you're worth it.
EFFECTIVE LISTENING
"We were given two ears but only one mouth, because listening is twice as hard as talking."
Expressing our wants, feelings, thoughts and opinions clearly and effectively is only half of the communication process needed for interpersonal effectiveness. The other half is listening and understanding what others communicate to us. When a person decides to communicate with another person, he/she does so to fulfill a need. The person wants something, feels discomfort, and/or has feelings or thoughts about something. In deciding to communicate, the person selects the method or code which he/she believes will effectively deliver the message to the other person. The code used to send the message can be either verbal or nonverbal. When the other person receives the coded message, they go through the process of decoding or interpreting it into understanding and meaning. Effective communication exists between two people when the receiver interprets and understands the sender’s message in the same way the sender intended it.
People need to practice and acquire skills to be good listeners, because a speaker cannot throw you information in the same manner that a dart player tosses a dart at a passive dartboard. Information is an intangible substance that must be sent by the speaker and received by an active listener.
WHAT IS LISTENING?
Listening is a process of receiving and interpreting the spoken word. It involves recognizing and comprehending the matter, that is, understanding the main and the subsidiary points as well as the links between the different parts of speech. This means that effective listening involves not only recognizing unit boundaries phonologically, but also the recognition of false starts, pauses, hesitations, stress, intonation, and rhythm patterns. While receiving and interpreting the spoken word, the listener is concerned with four factors, that is, sensing, message decoding or interpreting, evaluating and response.
Listening begins with physical hearing of the message and taking note of it. Sensing is, thus, the first step of the listening process. Decoding or interpreting refers to the process of changing the coded message into information. It involves understanding the spoken language.. after the message has been decoded and interpreted, its significance is evaluated and important conclusions are drawn from it. Response is the action or reaction of the listener to the message.. it is the last stage of listening. If the message has been analysed, interpreted and evaluated correctly, the response will be appropriate. The response makes the communication more effective as it clarifies the message and helps the speaker to know whether the message has been understood or not.
WHAT IS THE IMPORTANCE OF LISTENING SKILLS?
Listening skills are probably one of the most important language skills that we need in order to be successful in our academic and professional pursuits. As students, we have to listen to lectures, explanations during tutorials and practical sessions, seminars and workshops, technical presentations, academic discussions, academic interactions, viva voice tests, and so on. Once we join a profession, we may be required to listen to discussions in meetings and conferences, seminars, business presentations, news bulletins, prerecorded talks, telephonic conversations, teleconferences and videoconferences, and so forth. In fact, it is hard to imagine any academic, professional, or business work that doesn’t require efficient listening skills.
Moreover, one needs effective listening skills as it is a state of receptivity that permits understanding of what is heard and grants the listener full partnership in the communication process. One cannot be an effective communicator unless one is an effective listener. In any oral communicative situation, listening is of special significance because oral communication can’t be complete without listening. One’s response in an oral communication situation largely depends on one’s ability to understand and appreciate the speaker’s perspective. A student requires quick, efficient and imaginative listening techniques in order to achieve academic success because his/her academic performance partly depends on the quantity and quality of listening. By listening to classroom lectures, academic discussions in seminars and workshops, and academic speeches, the student acquires the professional knowledge and expertise needed to excel in his/her profession.
The importance of listening also lies in its multipurpose functions. As a purposeful communicative activity, listening serves individual needs and aids in implementing oral communication goals. There are many ways by which decisions are made in an organization: by discussions in meetings and conferences, by negotiations in business dealings, by voting in democratic processes, and so on. In each instance, listening plays an important role as it aids in analyzing a problem, understanding the possible solutions, and making a decision. In brief, listening:
· Makes oral interaction possible;
· Aids in decision-making;
· Stimulates others to act to achieve individual as well as professional objectives;
· Develops information and understanding essential for decision-making in meetings and conferences;
· Leads to unification between the activities of individual as a work team, towards achievement of common business, professional, or organizational goals; and
· Promotes maintenance of professional relations.
Therefore we must Improve our Listening Skills so as to:
· Avoid saying the wrong thing, being tactless
· Dissipate strong feelings
· Learn to accept feelings (yours and others)
· Generate a feeling of caring
· Help people start listening to you
· Increase the other person's confidence in you
· Make the other person feel important and recognized
· Be sure you both are on the same wavelength
· Be sure you both are focused on the same topic
· Check that you are both are on target with one another
LEVELS OF COMMUNICATION
Listening effectively is difficult because people vary in their communication skills and in how clearly they express themselves, and often have different needs, wants and purposes for interacting. The different types of interaction or levels of communication also adds to the difficulty. The four different types or levels are.
· Clichés.
· Facts.
· Thoughts and beliefs.
· Feelings and emotions.
As a listener we attend to the level that we think is most important. Failing to recognize the level most relevant and important to the speaker can lead to a kind of crossed wires where the two people are not on the same wavelength. The purpose of the contact and the nature of our relationship with the person will usually determine what level or levels are appropriate and important for the particular interaction. Note the different requirements in the following situations:
· You’re lost, and you ask a stranger for directions.
· Your child comes to you crying.
· You are in trouble and someone offers to help.
· Your spouse is being affectionate and playful.
· Opposing council is cross-examining you in court.
If we don’t address the appropriate elements we will not be very effective, and can actually make the situation worse. There is a real distinction between merely hearing the words and really listening for the message. When we listen effectively we understand what the person is thinking and/or feeling from the other person’s own perspective. It is as if we were standing in the other person’s shoes, seeing through his/her eyes and listening through the person's ears. Our own viewpoint may be different and we may not necessarily agree with the person, but as we listen, we understand from the other's perspective. To listen effectively, we must be actively involved in the communication process, and not just listening passively.
We all act and respond on the basis of our understanding, and too often there is a misunderstanding that neither of us is aware of. With active listening, if a misunderstanding has occurred, it will be known immediately, and the communication can be clarified before any further misunderstanding occurs.
Several other possible benefits occur with active listening:
· Sometimes a person just needs to be heard and acknowledged before the person is willing to consider an alternative or soften his /her position.
· It is often easier for a person to listen to and consider the other’s position when that person knows the other is listening and considering his/her position.
· It helps people to spot the flaws in their reasoning when they hear it played back without criticism.
· It also helps identify areas of agreement so the areas of disagreement are put in perspective and are diminished rather than magnified.
· Reflecting back what we hear each other say helps give each a chance to become aware of the different levels that are going on below the surface. This helps to bring things into the open where they can be more readily resolved.
· If we listen so we can accurately understand the other’s view, we can be more effective in helping the person see the flaws in his/her position, and also flaws in our own position.
SOURCES OF DIFFICULTY BY THE SPEAKER
· Voice volume too low to be heard.
· Making the message too complex, either by including too many unnecessary details or too many issues.
· Getting lost, forgetting your point or the purpose of the interaction.
· Body language or nonverbal elements contradicting or interfering with the verbal message, such as smiling when anger or hurt is being expressed.
· Paying too much attention to how the other person is taking the message, or how the person might react.
· Using a very unique code or unconventional method for delivering the message.
SOURCES OF DIFFICULTY BY THE LISTENER
· Being preoccupied and not listening.
· Being so interested in what you have to say that you listen mainly to find an opening to get the floor.
· Formulating and listening to your own rebuttal to what the speaker is saying.
· Listening to your own personal beliefs about what is being said.
· Evaluating and making judgments about the speaker or the message.
· Not asking for clarification when you know that you do not understand.
BARRIERS TO EFFECTIVE LISTENING
Physiological Barriers
- Hearing Problems: Hearing deficiencies, auditory-processing difficulties like auditory discrimination, sequencing, memory.
- Rapid Thought: The brain is able to process at 500 wpm, but people speak at 125 wpm, leaving a lot of free time to drift.
Environmental Barriers
- Physical Distractions.
- Problems in the Communication Channel: Face-time is far more accurate than any other type.
- Message Overload: Coping with a deluge of information.
Attitudinal Barriers
- Preoccupation: What else do you have to think about?
- Egocentrism: “My opinion is worth more”; rates lower on the social attractiveness scale; “Nobody ever listened himself out of a job.”
- Fear of Appearing Ignorant.
Faulty Assumptions
- Assuming that Effective Communication is the Sender’s Responsibility: Both speaker and listener share the burden of reaching an understanding.
- Assuming that Listening is Passive: Can be hard work, you may need to ask questions or paraphrase the statements to ensure your understanding.
- Assuming that Talking has more Advantages than Listening: “Big people monopolize the listening, small people monopolize the talking.”
Socio-cultural Differences
- Cultural Differences (a) Accents: The assumption that anyone with an accent is less intelligent, the “noise” of misunderstanding due to accents. (b) Time: The amount of time that is spent listening varies culturally. (c) Silence: The length of silences also varies culturally.
- Gender Differences (a) Women listen for relational subtext, men for content. (b) Women interpret listening noises – “uh huh, mmm”: to signify they are listening, men use them to signify agreement. (c) Men & women listen for different reasons. (d) “All else being equal, women are not as likely to be listened to as men, regardless of how they speak or what they say.”
TEN THUMB RULES FOR GOOD LISTENING
· Stop Talking: Do not talk while listening. One cannot be a speaker and a listener at the same time. The listener should accept his/her role and allow the speaker to talk. He/she should forget about his/her response to the speaker and concentrate on speaker’s words.
· Stop Thinking: It is not enough for the listener to keep his mouth shut while he/she is listening. He/she has to stop thinking too. He/she can’t listen effectively while thinking, and consequently, won’t be able to focus 100 per cent on what the speaker is telling.
· Remove Distractions: In order to focus 100 per cent on the person speaking, the listener should avoid all kinds of distractions, and also not allow others to interrupt.
· Do Not Let Your Mind Wander: One of the main causes of listening inefficiency is the slowness of speech. We can listen faster than the speaker can speak. This lag time may make the listener’s mind wander or daydream. This can be avoided by concentrating on each word spoken by the speaker.
· Put Speaker At Ease: A conducive environment should be provided to the speaker in order to enable him/her to be at ease. If the speaker is not comfortable, he/she will not be able to speak clearly.
· Do not Pre-judge: Give the speaker a chance to complete what he/she has to say. Pre-judgement closes the mind and does not allow you to perceive the speaker impartially. You can make proper judgement only after you have fully comprehended the information.
· Be Patient: The speaker should be allowed sufficient time and not interrupted until he/she takes a pause and invites the listener to do so. Patience is the key to good listening.
· Do not be Angry: The listener should control his/her temper while listening. He/she may not like what the speaker is telling, or may completely disagree with his/her point of view, but good listening demands that he/she listens to him/her calmly without making any fuss.
· Empathise with the Speaker: In order to understand the speaker’s perspective and appreciate his/her point of view, the listener should try to put him/her in the speaker’s position.
· Take Notes: The listener should take notes if he/she wants to keep record of what was said, and wants to use it at a later stage.
LISTENING TIPS
· Usually it is important to paraphrase and use your own words in verbalizing your understanding of the message. Parroting back the words verbatim is annoying and does not ensure accurate understanding of the message.
· Depending on the purpose of the interaction and your understanding of what is relevant, you could reflect back the other persons:
§ Account of the facts.
§ Thoughts and beliefs.
§ Feelings and emotions.
§ Wants, needs or motivation.
§ Hopes and expectations.
· Don’t respond to just the meaning of the words, look for the feelings or intent beyond the words. The dictionary or surface meaning of the words or code used by the sender is not the message.
· Inhibit your impulse to immediately answer questions. The code may be in the form of a question. Sometimes people ask questions when they really want to express themselves and are not open to hearing an answer.
· Know when to quit using active listening. Once you accurately understand the sender’s message, it may be appropriate to respond with your own message. Don’t use active listening to hide and avoid revealing your own position.
· If you are confused and know you do not understand, either tell the person you don’t understand and ask him/her to say it another way, or use your best guess. If you are incorrect, the person will realize it and will likely attempt to correct your misunderstanding.
· Active listening is a very effective first response when the other person is angry, hurt or expressing difficult feelings toward you, especially in relationships that are important to you.
· Use eye contact and listening body language. Avoid looking at your watch or at other people or activities around the room. Face and lean toward the speaker and nod your head, as it is appropriate. Be careful about crossing your arms and appearing closed or critical.
· Be empathic and non-judgmental. You can be accepting and respectful of the person and their feelings and beliefs without invalidating or giving up your own position, or without agreeing with the accuracy and validity of their view.
Expressing our wants, feelings, thoughts and opinions clearly and effectively is only half of the communication process needed for interpersonal effectiveness. The other half is listening and understanding what others communicate to us. When a person decides to communicate with another person, he/she does so to fulfill a need. The person wants something, feels discomfort, and/or has feelings or thoughts about something. In deciding to communicate, the person selects the method or code which he/she believes will effectively deliver the message to the other person. The code used to send the message can be either verbal or nonverbal. When the other person receives the coded message, they go through the process of decoding or interpreting it into understanding and meaning. Effective communication exists between two people when the receiver interprets and understands the sender’s message in the same way the sender intended it.
People need to practice and acquire skills to be good listeners, because a speaker cannot throw you information in the same manner that a dart player tosses a dart at a passive dartboard. Information is an intangible substance that must be sent by the speaker and received by an active listener.
WHAT IS LISTENING?
Listening is a process of receiving and interpreting the spoken word. It involves recognizing and comprehending the matter, that is, understanding the main and the subsidiary points as well as the links between the different parts of speech. This means that effective listening involves not only recognizing unit boundaries phonologically, but also the recognition of false starts, pauses, hesitations, stress, intonation, and rhythm patterns. While receiving and interpreting the spoken word, the listener is concerned with four factors, that is, sensing, message decoding or interpreting, evaluating and response.
Listening begins with physical hearing of the message and taking note of it. Sensing is, thus, the first step of the listening process. Decoding or interpreting refers to the process of changing the coded message into information. It involves understanding the spoken language.. after the message has been decoded and interpreted, its significance is evaluated and important conclusions are drawn from it. Response is the action or reaction of the listener to the message.. it is the last stage of listening. If the message has been analysed, interpreted and evaluated correctly, the response will be appropriate. The response makes the communication more effective as it clarifies the message and helps the speaker to know whether the message has been understood or not.
WHAT IS THE IMPORTANCE OF LISTENING SKILLS?
Listening skills are probably one of the most important language skills that we need in order to be successful in our academic and professional pursuits. As students, we have to listen to lectures, explanations during tutorials and practical sessions, seminars and workshops, technical presentations, academic discussions, academic interactions, viva voice tests, and so on. Once we join a profession, we may be required to listen to discussions in meetings and conferences, seminars, business presentations, news bulletins, prerecorded talks, telephonic conversations, teleconferences and videoconferences, and so forth. In fact, it is hard to imagine any academic, professional, or business work that doesn’t require efficient listening skills.
Moreover, one needs effective listening skills as it is a state of receptivity that permits understanding of what is heard and grants the listener full partnership in the communication process. One cannot be an effective communicator unless one is an effective listener. In any oral communicative situation, listening is of special significance because oral communication can’t be complete without listening. One’s response in an oral communication situation largely depends on one’s ability to understand and appreciate the speaker’s perspective. A student requires quick, efficient and imaginative listening techniques in order to achieve academic success because his/her academic performance partly depends on the quantity and quality of listening. By listening to classroom lectures, academic discussions in seminars and workshops, and academic speeches, the student acquires the professional knowledge and expertise needed to excel in his/her profession.
The importance of listening also lies in its multipurpose functions. As a purposeful communicative activity, listening serves individual needs and aids in implementing oral communication goals. There are many ways by which decisions are made in an organization: by discussions in meetings and conferences, by negotiations in business dealings, by voting in democratic processes, and so on. In each instance, listening plays an important role as it aids in analyzing a problem, understanding the possible solutions, and making a decision. In brief, listening:
· Makes oral interaction possible;
· Aids in decision-making;
· Stimulates others to act to achieve individual as well as professional objectives;
· Develops information and understanding essential for decision-making in meetings and conferences;
· Leads to unification between the activities of individual as a work team, towards achievement of common business, professional, or organizational goals; and
· Promotes maintenance of professional relations.
Therefore we must Improve our Listening Skills so as to:
· Avoid saying the wrong thing, being tactless
· Dissipate strong feelings
· Learn to accept feelings (yours and others)
· Generate a feeling of caring
· Help people start listening to you
· Increase the other person's confidence in you
· Make the other person feel important and recognized
· Be sure you both are on the same wavelength
· Be sure you both are focused on the same topic
· Check that you are both are on target with one another
LEVELS OF COMMUNICATION
Listening effectively is difficult because people vary in their communication skills and in how clearly they express themselves, and often have different needs, wants and purposes for interacting. The different types of interaction or levels of communication also adds to the difficulty. The four different types or levels are.
· Clichés.
· Facts.
· Thoughts and beliefs.
· Feelings and emotions.
As a listener we attend to the level that we think is most important. Failing to recognize the level most relevant and important to the speaker can lead to a kind of crossed wires where the two people are not on the same wavelength. The purpose of the contact and the nature of our relationship with the person will usually determine what level or levels are appropriate and important for the particular interaction. Note the different requirements in the following situations:
· You’re lost, and you ask a stranger for directions.
· Your child comes to you crying.
· You are in trouble and someone offers to help.
· Your spouse is being affectionate and playful.
· Opposing council is cross-examining you in court.
If we don’t address the appropriate elements we will not be very effective, and can actually make the situation worse. There is a real distinction between merely hearing the words and really listening for the message. When we listen effectively we understand what the person is thinking and/or feeling from the other person’s own perspective. It is as if we were standing in the other person’s shoes, seeing through his/her eyes and listening through the person's ears. Our own viewpoint may be different and we may not necessarily agree with the person, but as we listen, we understand from the other's perspective. To listen effectively, we must be actively involved in the communication process, and not just listening passively.
We all act and respond on the basis of our understanding, and too often there is a misunderstanding that neither of us is aware of. With active listening, if a misunderstanding has occurred, it will be known immediately, and the communication can be clarified before any further misunderstanding occurs.
Several other possible benefits occur with active listening:
· Sometimes a person just needs to be heard and acknowledged before the person is willing to consider an alternative or soften his /her position.
· It is often easier for a person to listen to and consider the other’s position when that person knows the other is listening and considering his/her position.
· It helps people to spot the flaws in their reasoning when they hear it played back without criticism.
· It also helps identify areas of agreement so the areas of disagreement are put in perspective and are diminished rather than magnified.
· Reflecting back what we hear each other say helps give each a chance to become aware of the different levels that are going on below the surface. This helps to bring things into the open where they can be more readily resolved.
· If we listen so we can accurately understand the other’s view, we can be more effective in helping the person see the flaws in his/her position, and also flaws in our own position.
SOURCES OF DIFFICULTY BY THE SPEAKER
· Voice volume too low to be heard.
· Making the message too complex, either by including too many unnecessary details or too many issues.
· Getting lost, forgetting your point or the purpose of the interaction.
· Body language or nonverbal elements contradicting or interfering with the verbal message, such as smiling when anger or hurt is being expressed.
· Paying too much attention to how the other person is taking the message, or how the person might react.
· Using a very unique code or unconventional method for delivering the message.
SOURCES OF DIFFICULTY BY THE LISTENER
· Being preoccupied and not listening.
· Being so interested in what you have to say that you listen mainly to find an opening to get the floor.
· Formulating and listening to your own rebuttal to what the speaker is saying.
· Listening to your own personal beliefs about what is being said.
· Evaluating and making judgments about the speaker or the message.
· Not asking for clarification when you know that you do not understand.
BARRIERS TO EFFECTIVE LISTENING
Physiological Barriers
- Hearing Problems: Hearing deficiencies, auditory-processing difficulties like auditory discrimination, sequencing, memory.
- Rapid Thought: The brain is able to process at 500 wpm, but people speak at 125 wpm, leaving a lot of free time to drift.
Environmental Barriers
- Physical Distractions.
- Problems in the Communication Channel: Face-time is far more accurate than any other type.
- Message Overload: Coping with a deluge of information.
Attitudinal Barriers
- Preoccupation: What else do you have to think about?
- Egocentrism: “My opinion is worth more”; rates lower on the social attractiveness scale; “Nobody ever listened himself out of a job.”
- Fear of Appearing Ignorant.
Faulty Assumptions
- Assuming that Effective Communication is the Sender’s Responsibility: Both speaker and listener share the burden of reaching an understanding.
- Assuming that Listening is Passive: Can be hard work, you may need to ask questions or paraphrase the statements to ensure your understanding.
- Assuming that Talking has more Advantages than Listening: “Big people monopolize the listening, small people monopolize the talking.”
Socio-cultural Differences
- Cultural Differences (a) Accents: The assumption that anyone with an accent is less intelligent, the “noise” of misunderstanding due to accents. (b) Time: The amount of time that is spent listening varies culturally. (c) Silence: The length of silences also varies culturally.
- Gender Differences (a) Women listen for relational subtext, men for content. (b) Women interpret listening noises – “uh huh, mmm”: to signify they are listening, men use them to signify agreement. (c) Men & women listen for different reasons. (d) “All else being equal, women are not as likely to be listened to as men, regardless of how they speak or what they say.”
TEN THUMB RULES FOR GOOD LISTENING
· Stop Talking: Do not talk while listening. One cannot be a speaker and a listener at the same time. The listener should accept his/her role and allow the speaker to talk. He/she should forget about his/her response to the speaker and concentrate on speaker’s words.
· Stop Thinking: It is not enough for the listener to keep his mouth shut while he/she is listening. He/she has to stop thinking too. He/she can’t listen effectively while thinking, and consequently, won’t be able to focus 100 per cent on what the speaker is telling.
· Remove Distractions: In order to focus 100 per cent on the person speaking, the listener should avoid all kinds of distractions, and also not allow others to interrupt.
· Do Not Let Your Mind Wander: One of the main causes of listening inefficiency is the slowness of speech. We can listen faster than the speaker can speak. This lag time may make the listener’s mind wander or daydream. This can be avoided by concentrating on each word spoken by the speaker.
· Put Speaker At Ease: A conducive environment should be provided to the speaker in order to enable him/her to be at ease. If the speaker is not comfortable, he/she will not be able to speak clearly.
· Do not Pre-judge: Give the speaker a chance to complete what he/she has to say. Pre-judgement closes the mind and does not allow you to perceive the speaker impartially. You can make proper judgement only after you have fully comprehended the information.
· Be Patient: The speaker should be allowed sufficient time and not interrupted until he/she takes a pause and invites the listener to do so. Patience is the key to good listening.
· Do not be Angry: The listener should control his/her temper while listening. He/she may not like what the speaker is telling, or may completely disagree with his/her point of view, but good listening demands that he/she listens to him/her calmly without making any fuss.
· Empathise with the Speaker: In order to understand the speaker’s perspective and appreciate his/her point of view, the listener should try to put him/her in the speaker’s position.
· Take Notes: The listener should take notes if he/she wants to keep record of what was said, and wants to use it at a later stage.
LISTENING TIPS
· Usually it is important to paraphrase and use your own words in verbalizing your understanding of the message. Parroting back the words verbatim is annoying and does not ensure accurate understanding of the message.
· Depending on the purpose of the interaction and your understanding of what is relevant, you could reflect back the other persons:
§ Account of the facts.
§ Thoughts and beliefs.
§ Feelings and emotions.
§ Wants, needs or motivation.
§ Hopes and expectations.
· Don’t respond to just the meaning of the words, look for the feelings or intent beyond the words. The dictionary or surface meaning of the words or code used by the sender is not the message.
· Inhibit your impulse to immediately answer questions. The code may be in the form of a question. Sometimes people ask questions when they really want to express themselves and are not open to hearing an answer.
· Know when to quit using active listening. Once you accurately understand the sender’s message, it may be appropriate to respond with your own message. Don’t use active listening to hide and avoid revealing your own position.
· If you are confused and know you do not understand, either tell the person you don’t understand and ask him/her to say it another way, or use your best guess. If you are incorrect, the person will realize it and will likely attempt to correct your misunderstanding.
· Active listening is a very effective first response when the other person is angry, hurt or expressing difficult feelings toward you, especially in relationships that are important to you.
· Use eye contact and listening body language. Avoid looking at your watch or at other people or activities around the room. Face and lean toward the speaker and nod your head, as it is appropriate. Be careful about crossing your arms and appearing closed or critical.
· Be empathic and non-judgmental. You can be accepting and respectful of the person and their feelings and beliefs without invalidating or giving up your own position, or without agreeing with the accuracy and validity of their view.
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